A pattern to help make sense of change.

What It Is

Some events happen suddenly, and for them, there is no Anticipation stage. For all others, the moment you become aware of the possibility of the event and your narrative begins to shift, we say you have entered Anticipation.

Most Common Themes

• Expectations change.
• Relationships change.
• Focus changes.

These can lead to challenges in the areas of:

• Thinking clearly.
• Prioritizing and making decisions.
• Creating or maintaining healthy boundaries.
• Handling yourself well socially.

What You Can Do

The priority during Anticipation is preparation for an event that might not have a definite date of arrival. It might not happen at all.

Tips for a healthy Anticipation stage include:

• Cultivate a growth mindset about the event and the entire transition process.
• Journal about your hopes and concerns about what is to come.
• Identify and manage expectations (yours and those of others).
• Avoid making decisions, purchases, or commitments involving money that only exists in your head at this point.

What It Is

Some aspects of life as you know it have come to an end. Whether it’s a marriage, the life of a loved one, a career, or decades of living paycheck-to-paycheck, it’s over. And there’s no going back.

Most Common Themes

• Grief. Sometimes grief goes undetected by others, and sometimes the reverse is true — everyone sees it but the person experiencing it.
• Relationships shift and change.
• Feelings about meaning and purpose can change.
• Decision-making can become very challenging. Decision paralysis is as common as impulsive behavior.

What You Can Do

Slow Down. Take your time and learn how to manage the change that has occurred. Resist the urge to rush through what is a natural and necessary stage of the transition process.

Here are some tips for letting your Ending flow:

• Remind yourself that endings, even those of the saddest sort, eventually lead to new beginnings.
• Don’t let anyone (including you!) deter you from taking the time you need to feel your feelings and experience your experience. Rushing through an Ending is never a good idea. Endings take months (at least) and often require well over a year.
• You might think you have a lot of decisions to make. Upon closer inspection, you’ll find that most of them can wait. The only decisions you have to make right now are the urgent ones.

What It Is

The numbness and shock of the event have worn off and are being replaced with a sense of awakening. This is adaptation. It’s a time when you let go of old ideas about your life and explore new ones, inching ever closer to your New Normal. This doesn’t happen overnight, though, making Passage the longest stage of transition.

Most Common Themes

• Passage takes years, and that can be exhausting. Mental and/or physical fatigue are common.
• Work performance and personal relationships can suffer as a result of the timeline.
• Time can cause pressure to move on. This pressure could be internal or from others.
• Emotions are at their peak.
• Uncertainty around identity. Who you were has changed, and you probably notice that you are becoming someone new. You aren’t that person yet, and that’s fine.
• Unsolicited advice is everywhere, however, people who have been on the road you are traveling can be invaluable guides.

What You Can Do

During Passage, perhaps your most important work is to be mindful.

• Mindful of what you are going through.
• Mindful of how you feel about it.
• Mindful of how and why you respond or react to the past and the present as you do.
• Mindful of possibilities as you move toward the future.

What It Is

You are living your new life and you have fully integrated the event that began your transition. You have arrived at the best possible outcome and accepted the event as part of your narrative. You talk about it in the past tense.

Most Common Themes

Things that were difficult in Passage are now easier.

They include:

• your capacity for composure and collaboration;
• your ability to be present;
• your self-confidence;
• your comfort with both short-term and long-term planning; and
• your success with replacing bad habits with good ones.

Despite being more settled, you’re still interested in exploring new routines and possibilities.

What You Can Do

Your goal is to harness the renewed energy and confidence you feel and use it to thrive in the new life you’ve built.

Tips for optimizing your New Normal include:

• Consider other people and respect their communication styles. Especially if they’re sharing in your life change.
• Be clear with yourself and others about your expectations. Communicate those expectations, especially as they shift.
• Make lists of the things, people, and places that ground you and support you, and that restore your capacity to see what matters most in your life. Review those lists to remind yourself of your resources.
• Be open to exploring and re-imagining; possibilities often emerge as time goes on.